Saturday, February 14, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey or Fifty Shades of Nay?


I decided long ago I was going to leave the Fifty Shades of Grey movie alone. At my age the only fifty shades of grey I'm thinking about are the ones on my head, and um, other places. My husband gave me the book for Mother's Day a couple of years back; I read about halfway through what was being touted Mommy Porn and stopped due to lack of interest. Who knows, maybe I missed out on some of the best erotica ever written.

What the book reminded me of was this guy I went out with a couple of times in the seventies — back when grey was just a cool color especially when paired with pink — who said he'd do anything for me. Did I want him to come over to my place and clean the floor wearing nothing but his birthday suit? I could punish him if he didn't do it properly. I thought about the bathroom floor, and those tiny hard-to-reach spots behind the toilet, but no, thanks. Did I want him to give me a mani-pedi, beginning with a good toe-licking? Again he'd be naked, natch. And here I'd been hoping for dinner and a movie! Silly, conventional me. I soon decided the only thing I wanted him to do was leave me alone. Playing games of domination or the other side of the coin, submissiveness, just wasn't my thing.  I didn't much like it when his response to my rejection was to call me fifty times in a row. That's not an exaggeration; after I explained again that I was sorry but we just weren't going to cut it, he literally called me fifty times in a row. He frightened me enough that I finally had to change my phone number.

I understand that some of you like that kind of thing. You have your SAFE words, and while sticks and stones may hurt you, a little flick of a silk whip or velvet hand cuffs won't. Cool. Good for you. Not for me.

Now the movie is out and breaking box office records; seems everyone wants to see Fifty Shades of Grey. And yet, some moms I know, the forty-somethings that went en-masse, combining pre-movie Happy Hour cocktails with a girls' night out, were disappointed. After enthusing on Facebook before going to see the movie, my friend Leah's post movie blurb was less than thrilled: "Worst movie EVER! Seriously."
It seems like some of the ladies prefer the fantasies they make up in their own heads.
That's something I can relate to.

Kathleen Turner and William Hurt in Body Heat

Five Steamy Cinematic Sex Scenes

I've heard all kinds of things about the lack of chemistry Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan brought to the screen. That their real-life dislike of each other was so palpable they couldn't do the typical pressers. That may be it; lack of chemistry can ruin the best of films. I don't know. Some of you will find it sexy, some of you —like Madonna—won't.  And while many will wait to watch it in the comfort of your own homes with a bottle of vino, droves of you will still head out to see it over the next couple of weeks, making the box office sizzle. Apparently it hasn't been this hot since Micky Rourke and Carre Otis reportedly had real sex in Wild Orchid. Or was it when William Hurt fell for Kathleen Turner's sexy murderous self in Body Heat?  Micky again in 9 1/2 weeks with Kim Basinger? The seven minute lesbian love scene in Blue is the Warmest Color? Kevin Costner taking Sean Young for a ride in No Way Out? There's a lot of sexy steamy screen couplings out there.  You have the right to enjoy —or not—any one of them. Don't let anyone — not even me — tell you, you can't.

Happy Valentines Day!

That Fifty Shades of Grey trailer



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